Coping with the Resident Witch
by Marta Brockmeyer, Ph.D.
A previous column offered tips for aggressive women who need to tone down their menacing behaviors. If you work with one of these controlling women, you may have discreetly placed a copy of the article on her desk or dropped hints about behavior modification workshops. As the resident witch, she is costing the company business and creating a hostile work environment. If her aggressiveness is still the norm, it’s time to shift the focus to how you feel and respond to her behaviors.
Faced with aggression, first stop and consider your feelings. It is possible that this woman reminds you of someone or behaves in a way that triggers memories of past emotional abuse. Once you are sure you are responding to her actions, then you can approach change with more confidence. The following guidelines may be helpful:
1. Remind yourself of your worth. You have a legitimate right to be treated humanely and professionally. You are not required to absorb the blows of a crazed colleague nor should you believe you are the problem. No matter how smart she is, she is flat out wrong. Don’t diminish your self concept by modeling her behavior. You have a choice.
2. Focus on her behavior. As much as you dislike her personality, attitudes or feelings, you can only address her actions. Try to make concrete, specific comments about particular behaviors that you wish to see changed. Describe how her behavior impacts your ability to do your job and offer alternate suggestions for her words or action. For example, you might tell her that her constant interruptions during team meetings make it difficult for the group to stick to the agenda.
3. Choose your moment. Timing is so much in life, especially when dealing with an aggressive colleague. If you are exhausted and frazzled, you may not have the emotional capacity to begin the conversation. Location is also important. If a woman has been yelling and pounding on a conference room table, you might wait until she is in her office to confront her about her actions. And, you cannot focus on too many aggressive people at the same time. Especially if you are dealing with your own aggressive family member, try to resolve those issues before “taking on” your demanding colleague. What matters is that you begin to experience a series of small successes toward defending yourself.
4. Walk away. When tempers are frayed or your aggressive colleague has behaved in a way that makes you so angry you cannot speak, don’t. Call a time out and compose your thoughts. This may also give her an opportunity to calm down enough to listen to your feedback. Shortly after the upsetting exchange, go to her and explain how you feel. And it may be that accommodation is useful at this point. She may be more willing to change if she feels that you are making an effort to meet her half way. Aggressive people need to feel they are in control—give her enough room to save face without violating your rights in the process.
5. Practice being a broken record. If your female co-worker is used to getting her way through force or threats, she will probably dismiss your comments initially. Begin to systematically say the exact same thing, over and over. Counter each demanding comment of hers with a simple, clear, assertive message, even if it feels awkward. You might ask a friend to allow you to practice “saying no” until you perfect your message. Try to jot down short responses and speak them out loud until they feel natural. This technique works surprisingly well over time.
Despite using these strategies, you may not get what you want from her. What you will gain, however, is self respect and a realistic “read” on whether or not your aggressive colleague can improve. Women entrepreneurs are under no obligation to tolerate inappropriate, aggressive behavior from other women—we are all diminished when this behavior occurs. Civility rocks.
Marta Brockmeyer, Ph.D., provides planning and organizational development consulting for nonprofits. She can be reached at 859.581.7089 or marta@martabrockmeyer.com.
 Article PDF
You may need the Adobe Acrobat Reader™ to view and print this document. You can download the FREE Reader at www.adobe.com.
Copyright 2007 Marta Brockmeyer. All rights reserved. While you may copy this publication, its content may not be modified. You may, and are encouraged to, share the publication with others who may benefit from receiving it.
|
